How to sleep with a 2 yr old

First of all, rewind four years back in your life and swear you'll never let your unborn children sleep in bed with you. Ok, carry on.

Blissfully drift off to sleep. Alone. Stay this way for some time.

Feel your cat sleeping on your face. Remember that you don't have a cat. Assume your four-year-old has crawled into bed with you. Realize your two-year-old Houdini has somehow escaped her closed and locked bedroom door and is now in bed with you.

Groan. She is not easy to sleep with. Attempt to go back to sleep.

Whatever you do, do not take her back to her bed. You are far too tired and half asleep for this. Lie to yourself and tell yourself that maybe you'll both fall asleep soon.

Push her off of you a few times. Roll around in bed to avoid sleeping next to her. Pat your husband's (empty) side of the bed to see if he can take her back to bed. Do this for some time, eventually you will drift back to blissful fitful sleep.

Wake up and search frantically for the pillow that used to be under your head. Ponder how it is that you have ended up smack dab in the middle of the bed, entirely too close for sleeping comfort to your husband.

Find your pillow. Under the body of said two-year-old. Don't dare move it. You do not want this process to start all over and you are still too half asleep to take her back to bed. Find one inch of pillow to cautiously slide under your head. Roll back into sleeping position.

Groan. Kick Nudge the dog out of your way who has taken up residence where your knees should be.

Drift back to blissful fitful sleep. Attempt to roll to your other side. Get kicked in the face. Reclaim your pillow. Realize you have an hour until wake up time. Contemplate taking your now perpendicular toddler back to bed. Give up and try to sleep.

Wake up and search frantically for your phone. Don't dare let that alarm wake up two-year-old in your 15-minute snooze window.

Concede defeat and get out of bed. Proceed with your day.