I used to think it would be harder to lose a baby after I already had other children. That, if I had lost a baby before I had kids I wouldn't have fully understood what I was missing. But, if I lost a baby after kids I would know exactly what I was missing and that would make it harder.
To be quite honest with you, I have no idea. Would it have been easier if this had happened 8 years ago? I highly doubt it. I believe so deeply that life starts in the womb I would have been devastated at any point.
Somewhere along the way we started believing that a miscarriage is a lesser death. Even those of us who have had them will compare them. We're glad it happened early, or it wasn't a stillborn, or one of living, breathing children. But, aren't they all living? I can't make the comparison. I've never lost a child or had a stillborn. But, I'm here to tell you that miscarriage is far more painful than I ever fathomed. I had no idea. If you haven't had one, you have no idea either. I still think I would prefer it to the pain of losing one of my other children. But, that doesn't lessen the pain.
We need to stop downplaying the unborn as much as we need to stop downplaying miscarriage. When our friends miscarry we need to do something for them. We need to show them the love of Jesus, because He cares. We need to take them a meal. Ask them how they are doing. Tell them we are sorry. Connect them with others who have experienced the same loss. Give them a memento or a nice note.
And, I'm not just talking about the first two weeks. We need to remember. Months down the road they need us to remember. Because they do. They have not forgotten. They are still grieving. It takes a surprisingly long time to recover from losing somebody you never met. And it is lonely because society has labeled them with medical terms instead of what they are, babies with beating hearts like the rest of us. Beings, who were put here on purpose even if it was only for a little bit. Just like every other being out there. It is lonely because they may be the only one really grieving this loss. It is confusing because they don't expect it to take so long.
Let's be a sisterhood who help each other when we're down. One who starts spreading the truth of these living beings. One who treats miscarriage like it deserves to be treated. Because it is not a lesser death. It is a death. And death is painful to the people left dealing with it.
