It's Like Pregnant-Tired

Written in the waiting period of a miscarriage. I had no idea the process that could be involved and take so long. I have since managed the miscarriage at home with Cytotec and will write a detailed blog for those who are looking for information to do the same.

It's like pregnant-tired. Minus the baby. That's just wrong. Waiting on a miscarriage is emotionally and physically exhausting. I don't even know what's making me tired. The physical or the emotional? Probably both.

There are little reminders everywhere, starting with my camera roll. The pic I sent my best friend the minute I found out I was pregnant. I was returning the favor, of course, for the two positive tests sent from her phone. We were going to have a baby within months of each other! The video of telling our kids we were pregnant and the memories that come along with it. "What does it mean if I tell you you're going to be a big brother?" "That I have to set the example." That's all he could come up with! There are the unrelated photos that still carry the memories. Each mentally categorized based on it's pin in the timeline of Pregnant to Miscarriage.

Oh, miscarriage, that thing that hasn't actually happened yet. I figure it's been at least 4 weeks since I should have started miscarrying, though likely nothing legitimate has happened. Thankfully my doctor is in no rush. So I wait. In the meantime I am increasingly tired and emotional. I'm not just talking tears-emotional. Cranky in a way I can't even explain.

Then there are the texts. Also running on a timeline they move from congratulatory to pregnancy woes. And on from there to "I'm so sorry's" and "What can I do?" Numerous updates to my friends and family about the process.

The process. It hasn't been a quick one. Only a week and a half after finding out I was pregnant I saw blood. Up to then it was spotting. When I turned to blood I suspected something was wrong, especially combined with the burst of energy I had a few days before. Too much energy for pregnancy.

I called my doctor the next morning and was in her office the next day for a sono, Wednesday, Aug. 5, 2015. My doc was out of town so I saw the NP. She started Progesterone and took blood. The sonographer didn't show up that day so I waited until the next day.

I've never showed up for a sonogram that looked empty. There was a little something, but nothing distinct. I was possibly too early to tell though. I knew something wasn't right when the sonographer told me nothing. Didn't show me a heartbeat or let me listen to one and "wasn't allowed" to discuss the results with me. I waited an awful 20 minutes or so in an office for another doctor who still was not my own. She said it could go either way. Either I was too early and they couldn't see a heartbeat or I had lost the baby. Thus began the waiting.

I went home and cried for two days. All I heard was "no heartbeat" and I knew in my heart something was wrong. I had felt it the entire time I'd known I was pregnant. On the third day, Saturday the 8th, I awoke with a peace. I knew there was no baby. Two of my strongly held beliefs helped me move forward with peace. 1. I believe God starts life and it starts at conception. 2. I believe God gives life purpose.

Believing that my baby had a purpose, even in the short time we had known about him gave me the peace and courage to move forward.

Within hours I started cramping and bleeding picked up. I was sure this would be it. That Monday I had another sono, still confirming nothing. The sac was too big, she could not see a "fetal pole". This time I saw MY doctor and she wasn't sure there had been a fetal pole the week before either. She wanted to wait another week and look again. But, due to the size of the sac and the lack of baby she was certain it was not a viable pregnancy.

The Officer went with me this time and we lightheartedly joked with my doc about how everything falls apart when she leaves town! (Remember that time I almost died after a C-Section, yup, she was gone for that too!) She has been forewarned not to travel during any future pregnancies. If so, I'm out! New doctor! Hah. He also had certain things to say about the ahem, rather personal, sonogram. He really lightened the mood and it was honestly appreciated.

So, I waited another 9 days for a new sonogram. I continued taking Progesterone, I think that may have slowed down the miscarriage process. August 19th, 2015 she confirmed that she didn't see life on the sonogram and the sac was starting to collapse. I had bled enough at this point that I thought for sure I had at least passed something. I had not. I was given the options. Cytotec or D&C. Or, wait it out naturally provided I don't develop an infection.

It's been almost a week since that last appointment. Minimal has happened. I have undoubtedly passed some tissue. I have become more physically exhausted. Weary. But no miscarriage. It's like when you get a splinter and that discomfort is there until it's gone. There is something inside of me that no longer should be there, but I can't make my body do it's job. I can only uncomfortably wait or take unpleasant measures to make it happen.

If you want, read about my medically-induced miscarriage here using Cytotec (also known as Misoprostol). WARNING: Graphic and may be disturbing.