My Medically-Induced Miscarriage

WARNING: This post is detailed, graphic and uncomfortable to read. I found other blogs very helpful for sharing their at-home miscarriage stories. I hope this is something you will share with your friends in a similar situation, or that people will stumble upon this while searching like I did. And, if you think it's weird or gross that I wrote about it then don't read it. For every one of you, there is a frantic mama on the internet trying to ease her mind before medicating herself and that's who this is for :)

There is both a long version and a short version below along with a list of how I prepared before taking the meds.

First of all, if you are reading this because you are needing to medically manage a miscarriage, I am so, so sorry. It is so hard. It is so draining in every sense of the word. Physically and emotionally. Waiting for a miscarriage is hard work and you are not alone. Please reach out to your friends. Many will come out of the works to tell you that they too have suffered one or more miscarriages. If you're comfortable, please share your story in the comments below to help others searching for info.

When I finally decided to induce miscarriage I would have been (per my calculations) 13 weeks pregnant. The size of the gestational sac was about 7 weeks (per sonogram). After miscarrying I did not find a baby in the sac. There was a tiny fleck of white that may have been a 4 week or so old baby (based on my guess) or may have also not been baby at all (it is possible to reabsorb the baby or to have a Blighted Ovum and there never was a baby). All that to say, I really don't know how far along I was other than the sac being about 7 weeks in size. I had been bleeding almost nonstop for about 18 days and had been spotting for about a week before that. I had been cramping and clotting, but not productively miscarrying.

Constantly watching and waiting takes a toll on you. Additionally, your body is not functioning at it's best in this time. I was extremely tired and emotional. It was also starting to interfere with life in general and I was ready to move on from the whole thing. I had a prescription for Cytotec (also called Misoprostol) as well as Tramadol for pain. Physically, this was hard, but much easier than I expected. I'm glad I didn't wait any longer and might have done it sooner had I known how it would go.

Here's a list of what I stocked up on and prepared beforehand:

• Adult Diapers (this is a MUST HAVE in my book)
• Thick Pads
• Heating Pads (bladder bags or formable heating pads are helpful, the bladder also provides a little weight). You need at least two heating pads (one for back, one for abdomen). Additionally, you may be back and forth between bathroom and bed, couch, etc so consider if you want cordless or one in the bathroom. I was ok with one plug-in and a bladder bag. Also a MUST HAVE.
• A couple of movies.
• Gatorades and cups of water in various places I thought I might be.
• Taped together trash bags to lay on the bed. Not about to ruin the new Temperpedic :) I tried to buy those pads you lay on the bed after birth but I got the wrong thing. Trash bags were fine.
• Ready and available husband, Mom also came over on no notice after this began. Having two people on hand was very helpful. Do NOT attempt this alone.
• Anti-nausea meds and anti-diarrhea meds are also recommended. I did not have either. I threw up once and that was it. A lot of people have diarrhea or nausea.
• Cytotec (Misoprostol) for induced miscarriage and Tramadol for pain, both prescribed by doctor.
• Orange juice, bananas, yogurt for protein. Orange juice came back up a few hours in, not sure I recommend it. Supposedly helpful for blood sugar (per the blog world).
• Put away bath mats and covered the floor (bed to tub to toilet) in towels I didn't care about. MUST DO!

Here's the quick version of my night:

• I inserted the Cytotec (Misoprostol) vaginally at 10pm. Went for Tramadol pain meds at 11 prior to really needing them (didn't take again the rest of the night). Bleeding came within 20 minutes and was very heavy the first hour. Beyond that it slowed significantly. After pain meds I felt some constant cramping, but it was light. By early morning most of everything had died down. Took a nap at 10am and woke up to pass the whole gestational sac, thankfully before I took the second set of Cytotec.
• The worst parts were minimal. Once I almost passed out, ended up throwing up and feeling better. I had no other nausea otherwise. Additionally, I was very pale and woosy most of the night. When I got up I would shiver and feel like I was going to pass out so I didn't get up much.

Here's a breakdown of how the night went:

• 10 pm: Inserted two Cyctotec (Misoprostol) vaginally. This sped up my process a lot based on what the nurse told me. Bleeding came fast and the pills fell out 3 times. I finally gave up, clearly they were working.

• 10:25 pm: Felt something pop in my stomach, not painful, reminded me of my water breaking. Immediately started gushing and ran straight to the tub. A friend recommended bleeding into the tub to see what comes out. You do want to know what you have passed so that you know when you have passed everything. A lot of blood came out and it was very clotty. It seemed like my water was breaking with it. I put on an adult diaper and bled quite a bit into that as well. 

• 11:05 pm: At this point I was freaked out. Best guess I had filled close to two pads in an hour. I called the night nurse and The Officer called my mom to drive out in case we ended up in the ER. She told me what to watch for. Bleeding started to slow. Starting to cramp now, though not terribly. I took a Tramadol before it got too bad. I didn't want to panic and also be in a lot of pain so I just went for it.

• 12:15 am: Needed a new pad. Tramadol definitely helping. Cramping had gotten worse before I felt it start to work. Also, it is true that you will cramp more before you pass a clot so it comes in waves.

• 1:10 am: New pad needed again. I tried using a pad in the adult diaper, I think the adult diaper alone was a better route. Passed a big clot into the toilet, approximately a mandarin orange in size. I felt like I should go to sleep but I was scared to bleed too much so I just hung out with my mom. My face was very pale, no other symptoms though.

• 2:10 am - 4:10 am No longer soaking pads/diapers, but changing for comfort and keeping an eye on bleeding. Feeling a lot more cramping but passing little.

• 4:10 am Non-stop light cramping. Still passing little. Wonder if cramping is due to Tramadol wearing off. Slept 1 hour. Felt like hospital sleep, in and out, weird feeling.

• 4:30 am Bleeding picking up, but still minimal. Somewhere around here I started to feeling very woozy and tried to go to bathroom. Laid down in the floor instead, was close to passing out. Immediately became nauseas, threw up and the entire feeling subsided.

• 4:50 am Hungry. Ate a little toast and yogurt. Tried to walk to kitchen. Every time I get up I shivered and felt faint. Back to the heating pad.

• 5-6:30 am Slept finally, cramping settled and feeling a little better. Continued to feel faint the rest of the morning when I walked. Cramps were lighter than a period most of the morning. Felt something sore and uncomfortable inside. Called the nurse who guessed I had passed it all, said to get some sleep and take the second dose after 12 hours.

• 10 am: One hour nap. Felt a something like a bubble coming down, assumed it was a clot and went to sleep anyway. Was exhausted.

• 11 am: Woke up needing to go to the bathroom and could tell something was pushing out. Moved to the tub and squatted to push a little. The gestational sac came out whole. Immediately I felt relieved and continued to feel better and better. Walked across the street a few hours later and almost passed out before I got back home, but otherwise feel pretty good.

• The Week After: Cramps disappeared right away. I was very tired for a few days, slept the night through that first night. Had not done that in weeks. Had minimal spotting for 6 more days. After 5 days I felt pretty much normal. The doctor did confirm I had passed the sac and most likely the placenta came out with it. She is testing hormones for now and that's about it. We spent the weekend out of town and it was a good distraction.

I would love to hear from you in the comments. Please share your own stories if you want, I promise they will benefit others reading. I spent a lot of time reading through the comments section of another similar blog post.

It's Like Pregnant-Tired

Written in the waiting period of a miscarriage. I had no idea the process that could be involved and take so long. I have since managed the miscarriage at home with Cytotec and will write a detailed blog for those who are looking for information to do the same.

It's like pregnant-tired. Minus the baby. That's just wrong. Waiting on a miscarriage is emotionally and physically exhausting. I don't even know what's making me tired. The physical or the emotional? Probably both.

There are little reminders everywhere, starting with my camera roll. The pic I sent my best friend the minute I found out I was pregnant. I was returning the favor, of course, for the two positive tests sent from her phone. We were going to have a baby within months of each other! The video of telling our kids we were pregnant and the memories that come along with it. "What does it mean if I tell you you're going to be a big brother?" "That I have to set the example." That's all he could come up with! There are the unrelated photos that still carry the memories. Each mentally categorized based on it's pin in the timeline of Pregnant to Miscarriage.

Oh, miscarriage, that thing that hasn't actually happened yet. I figure it's been at least 4 weeks since I should have started miscarrying, though likely nothing legitimate has happened. Thankfully my doctor is in no rush. So I wait. In the meantime I am increasingly tired and emotional. I'm not just talking tears-emotional. Cranky in a way I can't even explain.

Then there are the texts. Also running on a timeline they move from congratulatory to pregnancy woes. And on from there to "I'm so sorry's" and "What can I do?" Numerous updates to my friends and family about the process.

The process. It hasn't been a quick one. Only a week and a half after finding out I was pregnant I saw blood. Up to then it was spotting. When I turned to blood I suspected something was wrong, especially combined with the burst of energy I had a few days before. Too much energy for pregnancy.

I called my doctor the next morning and was in her office the next day for a sono, Wednesday, Aug. 5, 2015. My doc was out of town so I saw the NP. She started Progesterone and took blood. The sonographer didn't show up that day so I waited until the next day.

I've never showed up for a sonogram that looked empty. There was a little something, but nothing distinct. I was possibly too early to tell though. I knew something wasn't right when the sonographer told me nothing. Didn't show me a heartbeat or let me listen to one and "wasn't allowed" to discuss the results with me. I waited an awful 20 minutes or so in an office for another doctor who still was not my own. She said it could go either way. Either I was too early and they couldn't see a heartbeat or I had lost the baby. Thus began the waiting.

I went home and cried for two days. All I heard was "no heartbeat" and I knew in my heart something was wrong. I had felt it the entire time I'd known I was pregnant. On the third day, Saturday the 8th, I awoke with a peace. I knew there was no baby. Two of my strongly held beliefs helped me move forward with peace. 1. I believe God starts life and it starts at conception. 2. I believe God gives life purpose.

Believing that my baby had a purpose, even in the short time we had known about him gave me the peace and courage to move forward.

Within hours I started cramping and bleeding picked up. I was sure this would be it. That Monday I had another sono, still confirming nothing. The sac was too big, she could not see a "fetal pole". This time I saw MY doctor and she wasn't sure there had been a fetal pole the week before either. She wanted to wait another week and look again. But, due to the size of the sac and the lack of baby she was certain it was not a viable pregnancy.

The Officer went with me this time and we lightheartedly joked with my doc about how everything falls apart when she leaves town! (Remember that time I almost died after a C-Section, yup, she was gone for that too!) She has been forewarned not to travel during any future pregnancies. If so, I'm out! New doctor! Hah. He also had certain things to say about the ahem, rather personal, sonogram. He really lightened the mood and it was honestly appreciated.

So, I waited another 9 days for a new sonogram. I continued taking Progesterone, I think that may have slowed down the miscarriage process. August 19th, 2015 she confirmed that she didn't see life on the sonogram and the sac was starting to collapse. I had bled enough at this point that I thought for sure I had at least passed something. I had not. I was given the options. Cytotec or D&C. Or, wait it out naturally provided I don't develop an infection.

It's been almost a week since that last appointment. Minimal has happened. I have undoubtedly passed some tissue. I have become more physically exhausted. Weary. But no miscarriage. It's like when you get a splinter and that discomfort is there until it's gone. There is something inside of me that no longer should be there, but I can't make my body do it's job. I can only uncomfortably wait or take unpleasant measures to make it happen.

If you want, read about my medically-induced miscarriage here using Cytotec (also known as Misoprostol). WARNING: Graphic and may be disturbing.

Waiting Room

There's the woman in the corner, tired, with a newborn. The baby is outside daddy because she's crying, newborn legs flailing about. I wonder if the new mom misses her or is relieved for a small break.

There are three pregnant women. Two, fairly far along. One is not, escorted by her mom I assume. Maybe she's finding out the sex today, but she's a little big for that. Maybe she's on bed rest and requires a ride to the office.

One other lady looks about as happy as I am to be here. She looks tired and emotional. I know the look.

The waiting room of my OB's office. Usually it is a happy place to be. I love my doctor and am generally here for better reasons like I assume these other women are. Usually I am leaving with the sound of a heartbeat echoing in my ears. A black and white role of pictures to hang on my fridge. Or a new knowledge of a little girl or boy.

There are eight of us in this waiting room. Statistics I've read say two of us have had a miscarriage. I am here because I am one of them. I will not be leaving with any pictures or sounds of a heartbeat. In fact, over a month, in five visits, I have yet to leave this office with a happy face. Today will be no different. Though I am peaceful, though I have a lot of happiness, I am with great sadness at the loss of a child I will never hold this side of heaven.

Written yesterday on a scrap of paper while in the waiting room of my doctor's office, perhaps the worst place to be during and after a miscarriage. There is more to come of this story. May it help break the silence and awkwardness of the miscarriage conversations. And may it comfort others. There is great comfort in knowing we are not alone. In fact, we are in very good company.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

My other miscarriage posts: 
You can read about the waiting period of my miscarriage here.
You can read about my medically-induced miscarriage here. You may find it graphic or disturbing. It was induced using Cytotec (also Misoprostol).